Catching My Breath

I know...months without an update, and then near-daily writing.  I'm on a roll.

There's just so much going on lately that sometimes it's easier to process by writing it out here than subjecting my friends, yet again, to a rehash or a venting session...or sitting around stewing over the details on my own, which has been a really, ahem, healthy new trend.

As I write this, I'm taking a personal day from work.  Everything lately has just started to catch up with me, and rather than go through a workday unproductive and unfocused, I thought I'd stay home and attempt some mental health maintenance.

Of course, I'm also trying to finish the invitations...at last...now that there's ink to finish printing the inserts...

Even on a "day off" I'm multitasking.

So, I don't want to sound whiny or weak, but I have been really running myself ragged.  How can someone who works with great friends, and even gets to take personal days when she's feeling run down get so run down?  I don't know.  Maybe it's a matter of discipline and I'm lacking it...but I think, and truly I don't believe it's self-indulgent, that I just have a lot on my plate right now.  More than a lot of people have to deal with at the same time.

I've always said that everyone has their burdens to carry, and it's true.  The worst day for one person might look like an easy day for someone else...but it doesn't make the first person weak, or their troubles lighter.  Stress doesn't have a scorecard.  With that said, though,  I'm starting to wonder whether I should start to acknowledge that things are heavy right now.  It doesn't matter whether all of the turmoil is public or private or somewhere in between; if I'm going to encourage everyone around me to take care of themselves first, I should do the same.  Few of my troubles are so utterly devastating...but a few are...and the rest?  Well, it was like the rain this past week.  It just kept coming, relentless and without a break.

Little wonder that my general self-soothing tactics of tv on-demand and ice cream don't cut it lately.

Of course, I am profoundly grateful to my friends and my family, and of course to George for anchoring me through hell and high water.

I'm grateful that I live in circumstances that enable me to take this time, to figure out what I need for myself, to break through whatever mental barrier to rest that has me waking up hourly all night.

I'm grateful that my sense of humor is still intact, and that even when things are at their worst I can find something to laugh at (whether or not anyone else would find it appropriate).

I'm grateful that the people around me who have their own troubles know how to ask for help, and I'm privileged that sometimes when they do, I'm the one they turn to.

I'm grateful that I can look at a picture from space, with countless dots representing countless galaxies filled with solar systems and planets too many for my mind to comprehend, I think of an Almighty God who created it all and still loves me so deeply that He knows the number of hairs on my head.

When I was growing up, my mom would tell me "God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle."  As time went by and some troubles seemed insurmountable, she revised her advice.  "God doesn't give us anything that HE can't handle.  We just have to give our burdens over."

I'd like to start going to a church again, to join a community of folks who can help to anchor my faith in action and interaction.  In the meantime, I'm going to work on these invitations.  And I'm going to work on giving the rest--all those pieces I can't handle--over.